body for viewing

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I wake up. I scroll through Instagram. I get out of bed. I look in the mirror. I walk to the bathroom. I brush my teeth. 

What if my teeth are yellow?

I bleach my teeth sometimes. Most times. 

I floss until my gums ache.

What if I have bad breath?

I gargle mouthwash until my gums sting. I spit it out. I spit. I spit. Spit. 

Yes, I spit. I don’t swallow unless you want me to. Unless you ask. You never ask.

Then I brush my hair.

The bristles scrape my scalp. My scalp bleeds. The blood makes me red. I am red. 

I have to take a shower. I uh…I like it hot. Hot. Yes, hot.

I scrub. Scrub. Scrub. 

I scrub my scalp raw. I scrub my body raw. I’m red raw. All over. Red and raw and beaming. 

I have to shave in the shower. I shave it all. All off. Off.

I have to be hairless. 

I get out of the shower. I dry myself off. I put hyaluronic acid on my face. I put niacinamide on my face. The ones in the small bottles from CVS. I put on moisturizer. The face one. I put on moisturizer. The body one.

I have to be moist. Moist. Moist. Moist. Always. 

Red and raw and beaming and hairless and moist. 

I put serum in my hair. I put leave-in conditioner in my hair. I dry my hair. I put lotion all over my body. All over. All. Over.

I have to be smooth. Red and raw and beaming and hairless and moist and smooth. 

I paint my nails. I paint my face. I paint my body.

All over, painted. Red and raw and beaming and hairless and moist and smooth and painted.

For you. It’s all for you. 

You. 

You. 

You. 

It’s for you.

My body, for viewing.